Lovelies, Lovelies,
August is among us and it is Gastroparesis Awareness month.
It's Gastroparesis month, and I am a fighter!
I wasn't sure if I was going to write anything for it if I'm honest. I have been having a lot of health things happening, flare-ups, and new diagnoses,and honestly feel as though I am not a very good writer.
I usually write what I am feeling or certain experiences that I happen to go through.
But I am pretty sure it comes across as just the rambling of the inner workings of my mind.
I am writing this as I mentally get ready for my surgery tomorrow, how fitting!?
I am having a jejunostomy surgery to separate my g-tube* from my j-tube*, so I will have a separate one of each instead of one g-j tube*.
I don't know which way this surgery will go as there is more than one way to do a jejunostomy and the surgeon only said "he won't know until he gets in there" which didn't reassure me at all.
It will be either open surgery or laparoscopic surgery. Either way, I have been super stressed and anxious about it altogether.
I am saddened about my digestion getting worse and even slower to warrant the surgery in the first place.
No one really talks about the struggles, the sadness, depression, and the mourning of our old lives, it really is a punch right in the heart! I won't go into it completely this time, but being Chronically ill and having Gastroparesis as one of my many afflictions really has me finding myself depressed a lot and that is absolutely ok! It is ok to miss the old me, the healthier me, and to cry. This is my new norm and I'm learning to be ok with it, in the best way I can.
I miss my ability to eat properly. There are those with Gp that don't need a feeding tube, that can still eat food, even if it is only a small amount.
I can eat a small amount, even though it is getting more and more difficult as I cannot eat without consequences, and also have dysphagia*.
I get sick and will vomit, have diarrhea, and extreme pain and gas. I have a hard time chewing my food as my jaw muscles are weaker now and my throat muscles also, making it harder to swallow.
The waves of pain and nausea are super obnoxious and interruptive as well.
I miss the time when I could eat like everyone else, although I was always judged for how much I could eat, even before my diagnosis, it never seemed to be enough. I have gotten called disgusting due to my feeding tube, have gotten mean and weird looks, and rude comments such as "Why can't they just take that out? "You aren't trying hard enough, just eat!" Even from family!
With all the judgment, harsh words, and disbelief, food now stresses me out tremendously. I don't get invited out because no one wants to take a little extra time to figure out an accessible work-around or even just ask me what id like to do or what can I eat without pain. It is just assumed that because I have a tube, I no longer eat food. I miss eating meals with my family and going out with friends and being like my peers. Because of this, I have been crying a lot recently and have just really been feeling unmotivated. It's ok, I will take time for myself and hopefully start to feel like myself again soon. I will weep for me, as I always try to allow myself to feel my emotions and pain as strongly as they come. As vibrantly as I possibly can.
I didn't know if I was going to write anything this month, I mean how many times can I think of different ways to talk about an ongoing problem, ongoing illnesses? Must I write something every month for every illness that afflicts me? I decided to write to get my feelings out. To try to let the fear, anxiousness, and sadness escape me, if just for a moment. I decided to let people know, that words have power and they often judge people and situations they know nothing about way too harshly. I wanted to use my words to continue to educate and spread awareness. We are all suffering and going through something and the suffering is real! Stay strong and be kind to each other, but also to yourself.
It's Gastroparesis month and I am a fighter.
_Stay Lovely_
*(Gastronomy tube inserted through the stomach)
*(Jejunostomy tube inserted through the small intestine)
*(Gastrostomy-Jejunostomy tube, inserted through both the stomach and intestine.)
*(Dysphagia, difficulties with swallowing.)