The Universe?

Hello Lovelies,

I often wonder if the Universe knew what it was doing when I was created.

I find myself questioning everything lately.

I am just a little spec of rainbow sparkle in this dark and dreary existence.

I am Autistic, an Infj, an empath, queer, and born in June (during pride month!)

Seems like it knew what it was doing, right?

But I often get told my feelings are "Too Extreme", "Too Big", or that I'm "Extra".

What does that even mean?

On the contrary, though, I like to think I am quiet chaos.

I do feel my emotions and intuition are heightened, but often on the outside, you wouldn't even realize anything was wrong unless I was in active meltdown mode.

I tend to internalize everything, my mind is always going, always internally wound up, but bleh on the outside hence the "quiet chaos."

Also, did you know that people on the spectrum are 15-35% more likely to be queer and part of the LGBTQIA+ community than neurotypical people?

"NeuroQueer" is the intersection between neurodivergence and queerness, a term coined by a trans-autistic educator in the early 2000s, named Nick Walker.

I'm still learning about myself, my different identities, and all the parts that make up me.

Although nice, I don't believe everything needs to be labeled.

But I feel lost as I don't feel I belong anywhere. I haven't found my place or tribe yet.

I am told feeling out of place as an autistic person is, unfortunately, the "norm", but this feeling leads to worsening depression for me.

People don't allow me a lot of grace or patience as I do them, so I get told I'm weird for being different.

Being an autistic infj, I experience double the isolation as a neurotypical person it seems.

Autistic adults are more likely to be isolated due to a lack of understanding from society and as an infj, a lack of trust for society. It's a double-edged sword mostly.

Most people think autistic people are void of emotion or numb to others but that isn't always the case.

I am an empath with "big feelings" so that means I also feel and take on others' emotions intensely and it is very draining. People around me tend to "lean" on me or come to me for advice but offer nothing in return in my times of need.

I tend to attract "emotionally broken" people (their words not mine) who look for me to be the "tape and glue" to put them back together and hold all their pieces together. This leads to people being emotionally dependent on me, and they end up loving how I make them feel, rather than actually loving me. Furthering my descent into despair and loneliness.

So, did the Universe mean to make me this way, with feelings too big for others to understand, and a mind that sees things differently? Did it mean to make me so different that my life is meant to be so lonely?

I don't know, But Here I AM!

_Stay Lovely_