Hello Lovelies,
I have been having a hard time with life recently.
It's literally been draining the life out of me, at a time when I'm fighting my hardest to stay alive.
My brain is melting. I feel overstimulated yet numb all at the same time.
Which I guess you've gathered if you read the title.
Well, where do I go from here?
What do I start to say? More or less of the same, yet nothing at all?
I am at a loss for words, yet trying to type what I feel. But what do I feel? Why do I question everything? Just to get no response from the dark and hopeless void that is my life?
Ever black and all-encompassing.
Swallowing me whole on a loop that is my life. Keeping me in a cloud of black and grey.
Most think I have seasonal depression, but this isn't that.
I was born depressed, at least that's what my mother says, that I came into this life as a sad soul.
This is a lifelong battle that I didn't sign up for.
How do you deal with things feeling so extreme? Like you are suffocating, gasping for breath as you go through the motions of daily life. Blinded by hot tears that stream down your face like rapid rivers steaming in the dead of winter. Trying to see clearly but can't, through the waves that constantly wash over you, drowning you in your sorrows.
Until...
Your mind is so confused and dazed that it feels like it's slowly cracking, snapping apart like green beans on your grandma's porch in the summer evenings. Like you are lost in a maze running around in circles in the autumn leaves, not knowing which way is up.
What is the right path, the correct direction to take? So you just check out. *SNAP*
Falling through the lightless void, feeling everything all at once, and then suddenly you drop into one so-blinding, all you can do is lay there and try to shut everything out.
It's so loud, the feelings, that it's maddening. The madness has a grasp on me...Silence...
Now I'm numb.
Feeling no more significant than a raindrop in the ocean.
Looking for my reflection in the eyes of my loved ones, trying to find myself in them. Stressing to see myself in a mirror where not even my shadow exists.
Screaming so loudly over and over again and with a bloodied voice, getting no reaction.
Screaming into a soundless nothing is pointless, and yet I keep going. So desperately needing to be heard.
Numb.
Tingles all over my being that resignates to my very fiber.
Hurt that reaches every inch of my soul.
Tears and sweat that pour from every pore in my body til I'm dehydrated and my very essence is parched, and yearning for a drink.
Shattered so badly demanding to be made whole.
So yeah,
Numb...
I don't know what I am feeling anymore or if I ever want to feel anything again.
_Stay Lovely_