Hello Lovelies,
I'm so sorry I have been M.I.A for what feels like an entire year!
I have been going through what seems to be what hell feels like.
Honestly, my mind is all over the place.
I feel numb but feel like I'm feeling everything all at once.
Everything, everywhere, all at once, is a very fitting description right now.
Well, you all know that saying, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."
But does it? I feel weak and used up all the time now. EXHAUSTED.
Or you know, my favorite, "It's ok to not be ok".
Is it though? Is it really? Because in my reality that last statement is an entire lie.
Let me elaborate a little bit.
I have never been great at making and keeping friends.
Never been great about a lot of people wanting or "needing" my attention, all hours of the day.
Well, Honestly I could make a "friend" anywhere, but it's the keeping part I have the most trouble with.
I'm not used to having friends and they actually hold up to what that term means to me.
It's a term of endearment that I don't take lightly and I'm starting to feel like my intent and my expectations of what a friend is, is too extreme of a way of thinking for this society, generation, reality.
When I say that I hold it very dear to me, I take my role as a friend seriously, and Best friend very, very seriously. No matter what I am going through, I always try to be the kind, understanding supportive person you would ever need in life. That's because I try my best to be that person who makes your life better just by being there for you to the best of my ability.
I often am told that I am everyone's "Best friend" a title that I don't play with.
But I do not have a ton of (best) friends. People throw that title around way too easily, just like the word love. I will never tell you that I love you if I don't mean it. And to be a Best friend is to be LOVE.
I have trouble truly trusting others, and letting people into my little bubble. That is a very BIG deal for me. That is why I don't take it lightly! I don't believe when people say they love me.
What does that mean? I have been neglected, ignored, and abused my whole life, so excuse me if I don't know what it means to really be loved or feel loved by others. I don't have a healthy idea of what that looks like.
I have come to realize people don't understand me, or my needs as a person, especially not as a disabled neurodivergent. My brain works in very complex ways, very logically. I tend to come across as very blunt, because I say what I am feeling, and usually don't know how to filter myself. What I say, always comes from a place of love and betterment, I don't say things to hurt people, not to be mean.
I am often times misunderstood and end up being called a "bad friend" or a "Bitch" the minute I say something people don't agree with, or when I try to put up boundaries to protect myself.
Or just being busy and can't answer the phone right away.
I am already not great at putting up and keeping boundaries as it is.
That is why, I am often "needed" all the time in my friend group and by people around me.
I am so used to taking care of others, that my "ME time" isn't respected.
I put people up on pedal stools. I hold them to higher standards than they deserve I guess.
I have learned that I am not really loved by others. People don't love me, they love the way I make them feel, and what I do for them mentally and emotionally.
I often am the backbone, the tape, and the glue that keeps those around me whole.
Always there picking up all the tiny little pieces, pushing them back together gluing, and taping all the cracks back together, squeezing everything together until you feel smooth, shiny, and new again.
But who is there for me that way? No one! I have always had to hold myself down.
Through chronic homelessness, years of all types of abuse, and toxic relationships, one after the other.
Having to fight just to exist. Getting told that I'm considered terminal again because of "multiple life-shortening illnesses", that have no cure. Being told that "you are nothing, will never be anything and no one will ever want you", "that I should have been a boy or why was I ever born?" I wasn't wanted before I ever even got here.
I had to fight to even be born, and then survive long enough to make it out of the hospital, which the doctors were unsure of for a long time. Not being understood when trying to communicate, I went through years of speech therapy because I couldn't talk until after age four.
Being told, you are a sad soul and were "born depressed, these are the hard things that I came into life with and had to deal with throughout! Some of the hardest things to hear and experience.
Most wouldn't make it this far, especially having to always be your own support system, the way I have to be! That has carried on throughout my entire life, I still have a hard time communicating and breaking down when I can't articulate what I am trying to say. When I can't accurately express myself. And yet I still have to support myself through all of it!
Not everyone knows these things about me. But those who do, never understand why I am the way I am, why I view things the way I do. My life, my history, is never taken into consideration, my being an empath is never considered.
Most feel I can't be empathetic because I am autistic, but that is a myth.
So instead of trying to understand my triggers, meltdowns, and why I often need to disappear or pull back, I'm yelled at instead. Called "sensitive", told to "toughen up", and "get over it", and my boundaries and needs are not respected.
How can I truly trust a person or person(s) who claim to "LOVE" me or claim to be my "friend " or my "bestie", my "partner"? How can I be vulnerable? I CAN NOT! I feel myself starting to pull back from those who claim to love and care because it's not shown. Never reciprocated the way I needed it to be.
I have stated a lot over the past couple of months, "I'm Not ok", "I am struggling," and "I do not feel supported by my friend group." I explained all the bad news I've been getting, the upcoming surgeries, family struggles, and relationship troubles, and now my father is laid up in the hospital and my family keeping me on the outs, but instead of support, I am met with people only caring about themselves.
The expectations of me having to answer calls and texts in the middle of the night, showing up to events, and joining in activities when I don't have the mental space to take on everyone else's shit along with my own. Yet, I am there, through it all, and it isn't even noticed or appreciated, because it's their expectation of me. So it's my fault that they are constantly missing the point, and not taking responsibility for what they are or are not doing. I don't know why I feel like an asshole if I try to take time for myself or enforce my boundaries. It's my fault that I'm not taken seriously I guess.
Currently, in therapy, I am learning about "radical acceptance." I still am not clear on what it is all about, but I know I need to learn acceptance. Acceptance, not meaning I like it or am ok with it, but just that I accept the situation or person for what and who they are.
As I often say I am on a journey to find myself and get healthy overall.
Acceptance is a part of that.
Writing this is bringing some hard truths to light. That I will have to have some hard conversations, that people may not be a good fit for me, and I don't need to accept mistreatment just because I am so desperate to feel love and kindness from those around me. Most people don't understand an autistic mind and how to give step-by-step instructions, or full details of a situation or topic to ensure full understanding.
But one thing I have learned is patience is a virtue. I need to be patient and kind to myself and clear of what I need from those around me if they intend to be a part of my life.
I am a work in progress, and that is ok.
I am not ok, and I don't know if that is ok.
But I am learning to be kind to myself, and that self-love is the best love.
Remember my friends learn to truly Love yourself and...
_Stay Lovely_