Sitting here all Alone. Just me, a girl, and her dog.
Solitude seems to be my oldest friend.
While I'm sitting here looking out the window contemplating my thoughts, tears start to stream down my face as I think about how alone I am.
No one ever stops to think about how you are doing, not really.
No, I speak from experience. Everyone nowadays are surface-level pod people.
Genuine ideas and interactions are few and far between.
The" hustle culture" has made people self-centered and selfish.
Now there is nothing wrong with wanting to better your inner and outer self, but how you go about it and how you treat people along your journey is the difference between selfishness and selflessness.
I have been treated differently and been looked down upon my whole life, by so-called
"friends" and people who were supposed to be family. I have always been looked at as weird because of my internal freedom to be myself, and my "childlike" nature or for the fact at times I come across as overly quiet. Well, I'm Autistic. They didn't know it then because it was a thing that was never talked about, covered up if you will. My brain is just hard-wired to think, comprehend, and see things differently.
People tend to say I see things through rose-colored glasses, maybe I do or maybe I did?
Life has been hard in so many ways and I always seemed to be shunned because I didn't fit in with the "It" crowd or the party scene but It was more so because I didn't care to.
I have been through a lot of really messed up experiences from a very young age and my experiences seem to amaze people or make them cry when I tell them what I have endured and survived.
Hell, I had to fight to just be here, my own mother didn't want me and tried an indiscernible amount of times to abort me with a plethora of mixed drug and alcohol cocktails. This has caused a lot of health struggles for me to this day. Some things have been brought to me as an adult that really makes me wonder, why am I here? What is my purpose? What am I fighting so hard for? So many things that I am still grappling with alone. The struggle is really real!
These things have killed some of my joy and made me retreat into myself.
Quelled me, quieted my spark so to speak.
Going through life, hardships, and abuse, all alone can break you down in ways you can't rightly imagine. I'm still being broken down every day while trying to build myself up. To stay atop something constantly crumbling is a feat not for the faint of heart. Continuously searching for love and understanding, and trying not to lose hope or ambition, it's exhausting.
I'm often told that I am that match, that light, the fire for others, the one to hold them up when they are down. I am the glue that holds all their tiny little pieces back together. The one to get them to see things differently. "I'm so resilient and articulate" But that didn't come easy, I had to work tremendously to be able to communicate the way I do now, to articulate how I'm feeling when I am feeling, or understanding something, and It still isn't simple for me and I am learning every day.
But maybe now, I'm tired of being so resilient. Maybe I want things to just be a little easier, to find a little happiness. I find myself asking "when is it my time to just be?"
When is someone going to pick up my pieces? Hold my hand? I do all I can for others and it's always a one-sided situation.
I've never really had close friends and it's hard for me to recognize someone's true intentions, but I usually end up being there for those that aren't worth my time or attention or who only wanted to use me, just to discard me like a dirty napkin later. The majority of my "connections" are with people I've never met. Surface-level online acquaintances that leave a lot to be desired. Those that only give the version of themselves that they want you to see. I find myself always being the one to reach out and then get told I "check in too much." I need deeper interactions with people I can see and touch more regularly, with someone who can reach out and hug me in hard times. I need to be loved, and understood genuinely, wholeheartedly, and unconditionally! To have a visceral connection.
A lot of instances leave me feeling lonelier than ever! Especially in more recent years.
People judge me before getting to know me or judging me for the things I wasn't taught at an earlier age. Them telling me what I can't do because of my disabilities without ever giving me the chance, or telling me I should be farther along with certain things for my age.
One of the things that hurt is sitting in the hospital all alone, in oncology at the cancer center all alone, all the surgeries, appointments, waking up and my body not working properly and me sitting there, like how are we going to solve this today? We've got things to do! Knowing that you will be in the hospital or at appointments for hours or days with no one to come to visit or even to pick up the phone to check on how you are really doing. No friends, no family, just a quiet room, and your thoughts to keep you company. The belief that you don't matter to anyone, not really, anyway.
Every day, every birthday is a blessing, and yet those are too spent alone. They are a blessing that people take for granted.
Through all the tears, the treatments, the physical therapy, all the fighting, and all the effort, etc. People hate me, and everything about my spirit bothers them, for what reason I do not know.
But It has been brought to my attention today that DEATH has been wished upon me. Failure and pain have been wished upon me. That there is a group of people who are praying for it, making plans and even bets on how long I have, for their own selfish reasons. Upon finding out this dire news, my heart shattered. It stirred me to write this. To get my thoughts and feelings out. Because why? Why are people so evil, and hateful? Of course, people putting negativity on you constantly takes a toll on your mental, so what do you do to combat the depression that comes along with all of this?
Me? I write! I will continue to try to figure things out and learn what it means to live my best life.
I will continue to be unapologetically me, spreading awareness and smiles. I will continue to allow myself to acknowledge my feelings and feel them fully as they come, and I will continue to have my spirit bother the haters.
People will always find reasons to not like you, to sabotage you, usually reasons they have
concocted themselves. It's how you handle it that speaks volumes about YOU!
I will have my day, and my happiness eventually, but I will never stop working to achieve it.
And I will continue to write, even with my eyes full of tears.
_Stay Lovely_
(A lonely girl)